Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Thoughts...

Lately I have had so much going on and on my mind...I feel like I have thousands of thoughts going through my head and I can't quiet my head! Its starting to drive me a little crazy so I thought I'd share some and get them out... Maybe that will help. So I have been thinking about my dad and my little sister a lot. I don't feel like I have spent much time with them lately. Sometimes I can only handle small doses of my dad- I hate to say that but sometimes its true. My little sister has been some what of a headache but she's 18 and just being 18 i guess. She'll get in trouble and my dad asks for help and I give it and then i turn around and he dropped all that i said and lets her do what she wants... then time goes on and she does something again and once again my advice and help is solicited but dropped or forgotten about again and then the same thing happens again and now I'm to the point where I don't want to hear about anything! I don't want to hear about Michaela getting in trouble or something my mom did to piss them off and them asking me for help. I just get so involved with it all and i really can't take it anymore. I feel like growing up I was Michaela's mother and now that she's older she only sees me as this nagging person but I really just want to be her big sister. I haven't needed to be that mother for her for about 2 years now and since then we haven't been very close and it seems like I'm just a bother to her and it really doesn't help the situation when my dad brings me in to help discipline her. I'm trying to figure out a way to get across to her that I just want to be the big sister and a friend not the mother anymore. I love her and was so close to her! It sucks to have lost that but i hope to get that restored one day.

I have thought about my mom a lot too. I have always been the one child that's given her the most grief- i never got pregnant and 15 and I never dropped out of high school but I have always pointed out her flawes. For years I have been angry with her and never let anything she ever did that hurt me go. I've gotten over that the last couple years and it feels so much better. A lot of people help me realize that my mother is who she is. She loved me the only way she knew how to love ME and she did the best she could with what she had on her plate. But... until i realized this I called her on the carpet all the time. I was the only one who didn't look the other way when she wanted us to and I was the only one who never kept quiet and now i feel like I've ruined a relationship that one day I could have had. She never calls me unless she desperately needs something. She never invites me over for dinner anymore or to BBQ's and i can't figure out why. Is she doing something there that might piss me off and does she think that if she does I'll point it out and make her face it? I'm tired of keeping track of her life. She's 47 years old- I'm not about to try to change her anymore. The life she lives is all hers and I'm OK with that now but I'm not OK with being excluded. I sometimes wish i could go back and change somethings I did with my relationship with her in the beginning. She is close with all my other sisters. They all get invited to the parties and over to dinner and I really believe its because they didn't piss her off in the way i did. I don't want to regret how i was with her because its something that at the time i really believed in but now i can see that i damaged her and made things worse in the long run. She will never be that real mother figure to me and I'm OK with that, I have some great women in my life that show me motherly love but I would like to be apart of her life in someway. I want to be there and only there not there to throw things in her face anymore.

3 comments:

The Morton Family said...

Hey doll!
Call me sometime. My comment would be to long for this, just so you know, been there, done that, know how you feel and how you hurt.
Love you guys BOTH! Can we see you soon?
Love ya!

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